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Teenage grief at the death of a close friend
I feel compelled to write this article today as just one week ago my son was thrown into a sudden grieving process, when he learned the news that a very close friend had been tragically killed. As the news broke there was an atmosphere of disbelief, as though this was a nightmare that you would wake up from. |  |
Sadly this was not a bad dream, it had really happened. The following day my son showed the courage that few people twice his age would show. He went to visit his friend’s grieving mother, to offer support at a time when most people are lost for words. He told of how his friend had stood by him when no one else did and how he wasn’t afraid to stand up to against peer pressure. Those kind words meant so much to his mother, which was reflected by the newspaper article about her son’s death.
My son was absolutely devastated by the loss of his friend. He went through all the usual stages you would expect someone to experience. The disbelief, the anger at the car driver who hit him, the questions of “what if….” and “if only ….” whilst he struggled to sleep at night and didn’t want to continue his normal routine of rugby, seeing friends etc
Suddenly he began to see that absolutely nothing would change the fact that his friend had died. So instead of allowing his grief to ground him, my son made a decision to turn his grief into a positive experience. Within 24hrs he had set up a web page where other friends could go and pay tribute to their friend. It didn’t take long before the comments were pouring in from people who didn’t even know the person who had died. The web page became a place where friends could express their feelings and grief.
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My son refused to play in his rugby match the following day, as his friend was also a keen rugby player. He talked of quitting the team as he couldn’t face the thought of remembering his friend at each practice session or team game. Within a couple of days, my son changed his mind and decided to work even harder at rugby in memory of his friend. He set himself one small achievable goal and one that he may achieve although it would certainly require a lot of dedication. All this would be done in memory of a keen rugby player who was destined for a career in law. |
One night during one of our many talks, my son told me how he felt awful for telling me that the grief he was experiencing was so much worse than that of his Grandad’s eighteen months earlier. We talked of how we all had nine months to prepare for the death of his Grandad and how he had lived a good life although he lost a few years at the end. However the death of his friend was completely unexpected, ending the life of a teenager whose life was ahead of him.
Before we even knew when the funeral was to be held, my son came in and asked me quietly if I would go with him to the funeral. My reply was “of course I will and any of your other friends who want a lift”. He went upstairs and returned wearing a black suit and tie which he had recently acquired. He wanted to be smart for the occasion to show his respect for a friend who will be sadly missed. School life will never be the same as he spent every day at break time with this friend.
The local church had a book signing event where anyone could go and reflect upon the life that was so tragically whisked away. The church was packed with teenagers who wrote messages of love to a family who have suddenly been devastated. They clung to each other for support, with the odd parent dotted around, although most were told to stay in the car! I was asked to come into the church, although I decided to stay at the back of the church while my son remained glued to the seat for over an hour and a half. When he finally moved he came to me and gave me a huge hug.
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| We have talked for hours about everything, but it will never change the tragic events; however it has allowed my son to express the sadness he feels through a positive approach to grief. Six hours after the news broke he was told by a well meaning person to just forget about the death of his friend and move on. Sadly so many people still think that grief should be suppressed rather than dealt with. I’m proud to say that my son is moving forward in his grief but he is not going to suppress it, rather use the experience in a positive manner. | |
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