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Supporting your teenager through the death of their friend
As a mother I have been thrown into the role of supporting my teenage son through a very difficult experience following the death of a very close friend. Whilst I have the professional experience of helping other people face bereavement, this is the first time one of my children have faced the death of their friend. |  |
I have found over the years that few people recognise the effect the death of a friend can have on you. Some how people seem to think it is only the loss of an immediate relative that leads to grief. But this isn’t the case, no matter what your age.
For a teenager it is usually the first time that they realise they are not invincible. I have lost count of the times my children have said “this won’t happen to me” when I have been warning them of the dangers of different activities. Suddenly the teenager sees that it doesn’t matter how old you are, you can still die. In my son’s case the death of his friend was through a sudden and tragic accident, however other teenagers will lose their friends through illness.
The biggest role we can play as a parent is to listen to them, allowing them to talk about how they are feeling, what they do and don’t understand of the events. Sometimes they need to understand that the outcome would still have been the same even if the ambulance had arrived earlier or that their friend didn’t suffer because they died instantly. Of course it will be different for each individual death but don’t be frightened to let your teenager express their concerns and feelings. If they are unable to find answers to these queries they may have sleepless nights until the answers are found.
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When a death has occurred to a child at school, usually additional support can be found in the education setting. As parents it is important that the school is informed of the impact the death is having upon your child. Particularly when teenagers are friends with people from different year groups, it may not be apparent to teachers that they are suffering as a result of the death. |
If your teenager is causing you concern over their reaction to the death, you would be well advised to seek professional advice from your doctor or health professional. It may be that your teenager needs additional support to come to terms with the death of their friend.
Funerals can be very difficult occasions for adults let alone teenagers. This may be the first time that they have ever been to a funeral so you will need to support them. They may want to know what will happen, what they should wear, what happens if they become too distressed to stay and so on. Answer all the questions as honestly as you can. It’s ok to say “I don’t know the answer to that question” however do try to find out the answer if possible.
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| Even if you have not known the child who has died, it is very likely that you too will feel very sad. Thoughts of this happening to your own child are likely to emerge, as well as feeling very upset for the family involved. Try to sit with the feelings and accept that this is completely normal. It is hard to watch your own child struggling to come to terms with the death of their friend. Often this happens when we least expect to be thrown into this situation. Reach out for support among other parents who are experiencing similar feelings as you can guarantee that you will not be alone. | |
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