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People Pleasing
Are you one of life’s people pleasers who are unable to do say “NO” to anyone? Do you actually enjoy being a people pleaser or have you now reached the point where you are resentful for all the things you end up doing when you would prefer to be doing other things? |  |
The good news is that no matter how many years you have been a people pleaser you can learn to change. I was queen of the people pleasers as I never learnt how to say NO to anyone. The trouble was word spread and whenever there was an event at school I was always called upon as my reputation had gone before me. Before I knew it I had more than a full time job looking after everyone else’s needs as I never learned how to look after myself through self care.
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My dad summed up my approach to everyone in a lovely card he wrote for me to open after he died. He said “nothing was ever too much trouble for you” and how right he was. Although by the time he died those words actually reflected my ability to care for him as he faced death from a terminal illness, but previously it would have described my people pleasing abilities. |
I never wanted to offend people by saying “NO” to them, so instead I acted like a martyr always being the reliable one who would organise everything and clear up alone when there were many pairs of hands available to help out. Today I have learned to take responsibility for myself rather than carry everyone else, making their lives easier. I have also learnt that is does not really help individuals to be carried through life because then they never learn how to do things for themselves. This applies to children as well as adults. I see it my responsibility to prepare my children for leaving home, for a time when they will have to learn to function in life without me being there to pick up after them.
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When you make the transition from being a people pleaser into being someone who also considers their own needs, it can feel incredibly awkward as you venture into unfamiliar territory. However I would never return to my old ways as eventually my excessive people pleasing abilities became one of my major character defects in my eating disorder. | |
I began by saying “NO” to small things from people who were not so close to me. As I mastered the ability to say “NO” I then began to consider my own needs and do things that would not put excessive stress on myself. I used my diary to look at commitments and simply say “I am sorry I am unable to do …… on that day”. Instead of trying to cram everything in to please everyone else I set structures that were realistic. So if my children had after school activities then I would not commit to other things that would put undue pressure on me. I learned to realise that when I let go of my masks of perfectionism, I also put my Superwoman costume away. I still hear people refer to me as Superwoman however I know that I have halved my pace today……… although a friend who is very similar to me reminded me that we still go at 100mph!
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Many times when we fall into people pleasing behaviours it is because we want the approval of the other person. We worry what other people will think about us but does it really matter? I’ve been reminded many times in my recovery from an eating disorder that “what other people think about me is none of my business!”
So learn to ask yourself who are you really pleasing. Is it yourself or is it someone else? If you want help to stop being a people pleaser I would delighted to work with you through online counselling.
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