|
Facing Death Positively
When you are told that you have a limited amount of time left to live, it can be the biggest shock of your life. Sometimes the news comes out of the blue, while other times it can be news that you have been expecting. The reaction and subsequent way of handling it can depend upon your general outlook upon life and those that are supporting you with this news. |  |
Some people have a tremendous attitude where they do all the things they have dreamt of doing; however for many people by the time they receive the diagnosis of terminal illness they are not well enough to be going around the world. Often there are numerous hospital appointments to attend, or you may be undergoing prolonged cancer treatments such as chemotherapy as a palliative measure. There are many ways to face death positively and there is never a right or wrong way of doing things. It is about what is right for you and your family. Some people will never move on from the denial stage so they will not make any preparation for their departure. Other people will move quickly into the acceptance phase where they are able to talk openly and honestly to their loved ones. Most people will fall somewhere between the two.
When we received the news that my father was terminally ill, the Consultant spoke to the whole family together so that we all knew that there was no possible cure, only an ability to increase his quality of life for a few months with palliative chemotherapy.
|
| That didn’t mean that we all took the news in the same way. As a nurse I didn’t need to be told that my father was terminally ill; I knew that even before he made the first appointment with his doctor. But for other people in the room listening to the same news they still believed there would be a magical cure that could happen. Facing death positively meant very different things to each one of us. |
For my father it meant talking to the whole family about his wishes, sorting out the financial situation to make it easier for those left behind and putting together his funeral arrangements in terms of what readings, hymns and speeches he wanted. I wrote a speech that was to be shared with all his friends and relatives back at the house afterwards. I shared this with him as I wanted my father to be the first to hear what I was going to say.
As a family we made the most of every opportunity we had, to have some fun days out, walks in the countryside where all his children and grandchildren gathered together to make some memorable occasions. We had picnics by the beach and took photos of each individual person as well as having a family portrait done. I requested a portrait with my father and mother alone with me as I wanted this special picture to treasure forever.
Being able to talk openly and honestly is not always easy. It can be extremely upsetting for everyone however just because you don’t talk about it doesn’t mean that other people are not thinking the thoughts. Everyone has different fears and feelings as death approaches. Some people completely deny that it is going to happen and continue to focus on signs which tell them that their loved one is going to be ok. Other people express their feelings and emotions, allowing themselves to begin the grieving process.
|
| Many people suddenly find themselves struck for words as they no longer know what to say. They don’t want to talk about the illness but neither do they want to talk about life. My experience has shown me that you continue to talk with your loved one exactly the way you always did. Many people are really surprised to learn that you can still sit and have fun, telling jokes, reminiscing about old times without spending the whole time in morbid conversation. After all time is precious so it is important to get the best out of every minute that is left. |  |
It is always important for friends and relatives to remember that many people who are very sick or dying do not have the energy to hold conversations that last more than a few minutes. It is too much effort for a very ill person to make small talk and eventually they only want their immediate family present. You don’t have to talk, just being present can mean more than you will ever know. Sit and hold their hand, while they doze off.
No doctor can ever really predict exactly what will happen. They can give some idea of what they expect to happen based on previous experience; however every single case is unique. At any stage complications can occur that alter the expected outcome so learn to go on a day by day basis, making the most of each day. Some days are full of energy and other days are for staying in bed the whole time.
|
| Many people who have been told that they are dying suffer with a degree of depression. It is important to feel able to talk about all those feelings and fears. If you would like some help to come to terms with everything, I would be delighted to work with you via online counselling. I reflect upon the last 9 months of my father’s life as a very happy time with many memorable days. Of course there were many tears shed but we said everything we wanted to say. This was a huge comfort to me during the bereavement process. |
|
