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Where's my chocolate?
As my eyes open to the sound of my alarm clock ringing, my first and only thought pops into my mind each morning – where is my chocolate? I am completely driven to eat endless bars of chocolate each day. My inside world is becoming so secretive and lonely, but the outside world has no idea what is happening to me. Can you imagine the nightmare when you discover that the only thing you really live for is chocolate?
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Today my life is so different because I am recovering from Binge Eating Disorder. I could never have allowed anyone into the world I lived in. But today I can walk back in time and tell you all about it.
My eating disorder began twenty-four years earlier, although I had no idea at the time or for many years afterwards, what the real problem was. I was just a normal child, with a caring family. One day my world collapsed, when I was sent to boarding school. Chocolate became my friend. I could always eat chocolate when I was feeling lonely and abandoned in the world.
Over the years the amount of chocolate I consumed increased and increased. My behaviour became more and more secretive. I would eat alone so no one would see the amount of sweets I ate. Meals would be replaced with chocolate bars!
Later I went on to get married. I didn’t have any trouble hiding my problem from my husband and children. I would eat family food, then replace it before anyone discovered it was missing! This went on for years and years, gradually getting worse and worse. Often I would try to diet to get rid of those extra pounds that were accumulating around my body. After each pregnancy I would blame the weight gain on motherhood, not what I was eating. |
| The final year, before I sought help, became a complete and utter nightmare. My life totally revolved around chocolate. I was under so much stress at home, I had moved to a new house and had no friends or support system. I turned into a woman possessed. I just had to have my chocolate. I would hide bags and bags of chocolate around the house. My supplies were virtually in every room in the house, even the garage! I could always get to my supplies, no matter who was in the house. I would lock myself in the bathroom to eat a whole family pack of chocolate. I became the expert at polishing of food quickly. Day after day, hour after hour, I would eat bars and bars of chocolate. |
I expect you wonder how I could manage to buy so much chocolate. I had developed a brilliant strategy to hide my consumption. I would rotate shops, and shop assistants, so that nobody would see me at the same place every day. I would pop out for forgotten items, of course they weren’t forgotten, it was my excuse to stock up on my supplies. I would make unnecessary trips to fill the car up with petrol, with the real aim of buying more chocolate. I would buy sweets for the children, but of course they never ever saw them! In the last few weeks I was so ashamed of my habit, that I would purchase boxes of chocolates with a bunch of flowers, so it looked like it was a present for someone else. Nobody ever asked me how many friends I had with birthdays!
But like all good things they come to an end. After eating only chocolate for three days running, my head started pounding and racing. This time I had really over done it. I had wrecked my body over the years but no doctors had ever questioned me about what was really going on. I honestly did not understand what was happening to me. My life just revolved around chocolate, nothing else mattered. My weight was going upwards and upwards, but I was helpless to stop it.
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Finally the day came when my husband confronted me about my massive weight gain. In a split second I realised that I had a serious problem, and I was about to lose my marriage over it all. In those few seconds I decided to spill the beans. My poor husband was absolutely shell-shocked. He couldn’t believe that he had lived with me all these years and had no idea about my eating behaviours. I had hidden all of my emotions behind a series of different masks and nobody ever saw the real me. They saw what I wanted them to see, a successful, happy mother who could achieve the impossible. The truth was my whole world was in turmoil and chaos. I could not cope with everything. Depression had set in, and no wonder it had, when you look at the amount of chocolate I was consuming!
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| But the ending is very happy for me. I found help and I have not eaten any chocolates or sweets since November 2003, and I no longer suffer from binge eating disorder. My weight is dropping, and I rarely think of food in between my meals. I have a strategy for dealing with all my emotions, and I am facing things in my life, which I should have dealt with many years before. Today I would never trade my old life with what I have now. |
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