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Children facing bereavement
Death is difficult to face as an adult, but for a child who grapples with the concept of what death means, it can be even harder if they are not helped to come to terms with what has happened. Too often children are pushed away by caring adults who believe that they are protecting them from all the pain and sadness. But the reality is far from this, we actually end up teaching children that death is a subject not to be spoken about. Instead all their worries and fears get pushed deep inside. If we can talk openly about death to our children, we will lead the way and encouraging them to follow. |  |
So many people treat death as a taboo subject, never daring to discuss it, or turning the other way unable to acknowledge the death of a loved one, to a bereaved relative or friend. Many healthcare professionals reinforce this opinion by regarding death as a failure when a patient dies. But thankfully hospices around the country face death head on. They view death as part of life, where everything is done to help each patient face their final days with dignity, respect and love. Families are encouraged to be part of the dying process; children are welcomed and not turned away as though they have no feelings.
Having four children of my own who have faced the death of both their Grandad’s, I can clearly see which method of facing death works. Due to circumstances beyond my control, my children were unable to be present at either the death or funeral of their first Grandad. His terminal illness was kept secretly away from his children and grandchildren, although as a nurse I was able to read between the lines. One of my children suffered tremendously for several years after his death, finally receiving counselling when she expressed a wish to die. She was only three years old when she last saw her Grandad, and four when he died.
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What became apparent was the anger she felt at not being able to say goodbye to him. She felt pushed away from his death, although I am not sure what could have been done differently since we were living abroad at the time. But I knew from that moment on that all my children would be involved the next time we faced this situation. |
Sadly whilst still receiving bereavement counselling we were to face the terminal illness and death of my father. We involved all the children in his care, talked openly about what was happening, reinforcing that Grandad would die, no matter what we did. They were given every opportunity to visit him, to give him gifts, make cards and letters for him, and be part of many memorable days in his last nine months of his life. When he died, all the children were given the opportunity to see him, to say goodbye and to give him one final gift that was to be with him in his coffin. My oldest child at thirteen decided that he wanted to remember his Grandad as he was, whilst the other three children, the youngest being three came to say goodbye. It was important that they each made their own decisions about what was right for them. We played a memorable track from a CD, and said our goodbyes. My three-year-old gave Grandad a big kiss. Each child chose to be at the funeral, to be part of the ‘Celebration of his life’. My Dad had planned his own funeral, the readings and requested that black was not worn. It was not a day of sadness but a day to celebrate everything that his life had meant to us. The children were never excluded and the difference has been truly amazing. Their lives have returned to normal, this time we have not seen endless tears, but we talk openly about his death and the cancer, just like we talk about any other subject.
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As parents we are in a position to help our children be involved in the death and dying process of their loved ones. Children have a right to be involved and to say goodbye. We do not protect them by pushing them away, and for some children we create long-term problems that may go undetected until a lot of damage is done. Accepting that death is part of life, makes all the difference.
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If you or your teenager would like support to face a bereavement I would be very happy to work with you through online counselling.
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